I'm kind of in a state where I like men, the way they look and the way they are because women don't do anything for me that way. Traditionally, this would be called "gay," but I've found that there's so much more to this definition.

I suppose some people might call the situation where a guy likes a guy, but has kind of decided that activity with another is a lot of work or that it doesn't have its appeal like others have (if that makes sense) as "queer."

I don't even know if that's the proper definition, and so I was wondering what you would call it, then?

Besides confus[ed/ing].

Traditionally, we'd call that denial. That may sound harsh, but going by what you said, it sounds like you're just bullshitting yourself. The line "...kind of in a state where I like men..." actually pissed me off. It's like you're comparing being gay to deciding whether or not to have a bagel before work. It comes across like, "Hmmm... I'm sort of in the mood for an onion bagel, but I have to wait until it fully appeals to me." That's ridiculous and offensive to those of us who continue to deal with bullshit based solely on how we were born.

I'm sorry, hun. But you're either gay and in denial, or you're just fucking around with us.

I didn't mean it like a choice... It's like, are there such things as degrees of being gay, or is everything just gay? If there are degrees, do they have names, because I'm not aware of them.

It's sort of like, I don't know if I can call myself gay. Especially when I see others who are completely confident in that they are gay, I realise that I'm not completely like them. I don't know...

I'm sorry that my words to begin with came across like I'm saying it's a choice, because I definitely don't believe that anything in the human psyche related to sexuality and love is completely out of choice.

Just because you don't think you are "gay" doesn't mean you're not gay. If you prefer to sleep with members of your same gender, that makes you homosexual, which gay is a synonym for. You're talking about hidden stereotyping of being gay, which is just your internalized homophobia and heterosexism rearing their ugly heads again

I'm a 48 year old gay man. I call my self "gay" because I'm homosexual and I'm comfortable with it. You may be confused about what you are, but ultimately someday you will be gay...
As far as men in general, i've been in relationships with men that were totally straight, and then came me. I've come to realize in life that sometime two people can bond and the boundries of sexuality are not a factor...in those circumstances, I wouldn't have called those men gay, but they were certainly experimenting with the gay lifestyle, and certainly gay sex!!!!!
It matters not what anyone else thinks, all that matters is how you feel. If you're struggling a bit don't beat yourself up, it will all work out...

Dear Not exactly coming out....

That was in August, here we are on New years eve - WHY AM I ON A WEB SITE AND NOT STARTING A NEW ROMANCE? I digress. So, is the issue any clearer now? Have you decided you are gay, or homosexual, or queer, or odd, or weird, or just you? Don't worry about the terms. Just ask your self, "Do men turn me on?" If you like sucking cock, or getting fucked, or fucking the other guy -- what ever, then just do that, and look for men who are happy doing the same thing, and hopefully you'll find some decent guys to be friends with and in time the WHO you are will all fall into place. Eventually. Probably. Maybe. And if it doesn't, well, buddy, you got lots of company because sometimes life just doesn't make it simple. But the main thing is to enjoy life, doing whatever turns you on, because when you're dead, then its all over and there will be no more orgasms. No more beer. No more sunrises and oatmeal.

Cheers!

Mike Janarch
Hey - you didn't like my advice? Well just try living in this frozen tundra night-of-the-living-dead Lutheran hell hole and see what it does to a man. We go crazy up here. Lutheran nuns drop lithium in the punch so everybody will have a good time.....

Well, I guess I'm gay... I know I always call myself odd/weird all the time, so that's no question. I am attracted to guys, though many other guys I know who label themselves gay say I'm not because I don't like anal sex.

Whatever to that...

I'm just living, which is probably unfortunate.

Dear NOT (but maybe by now): As you've heard above, don't wait for others to define you--listen to your own feelings and inner stirrings (also those in your pants). That's particularly true when someone tries to apply a litmus test or to tell you how you must live out your own sexuality, whether straight, gay, or bi (and yes, there are varying degrees of sexual orientation, all the way from one pole to the other). For a big example, liking anal sex is NOT (that word again!) the definition of gay. Conversely, NOT liking anal sex is NOT the definition of NOT gay. Etc. Hope that's NOT confusing..... Just stop beating your head against a brick wall and go with the flow.